Softpanorama

May the source be with you, but remember the KISS principle ;-)
Contents Bulletin Scripting in shell and Perl Network troubleshooting History Humor

ON THE LIGHTER SIDE

Softpanorama 1993, vol. 5, No. 7

 1993, Vol.5 No.7 (57) *** HUMOR ***   ..
========================================================================
   Shareware.  . README
************************************************************************

                                                    
          
                                      
                                                       
                                      
          
                                                    


Newsgroups: relcom.humor
Path: wheel!relay1!csoft!kiae!bitcom!kiae!relcom!isknews!cclearn!news
From: "Serge Levin" 
Subject:   
Message-ID: <2bf9755c@ics.perm.su>
Lines: 102
Sender: news-service@cclearn.perm.su
Reply-To: serge@ics.perm.su
Organization: Information & Computer Systems
Date: Tue, 18 May 1993 14:46:34 GMT


                       


ON THE LIGHTER SIDE


1. Q: How many Macintosh designers does it take to change a light bulb?
   A: One. He holds the bulb whilst the world revolves around him.

2. Q: How many progrtammers does it take to change a light bulb?
   A: None, it's a hardware problem.

3. Q: How many IBM types does it take to change a light bulb?
   A: One hundred. Ten to do it and ninety to write the documentation
      number GC7500439-0001 Multitasking Incandescent Source System
      Facility, of which 10% of the pages state 'This page deliberately
      left blank', and where 20% of the definitions are of the form
      'A Whoopeedoo consists of sequences of non blank characters
      separated by blanks'.

4. Q: How many DEC employees does it take to change the light bulb?
   A: 2 people  - Preliminary discussion on concept of change.
      1 person  - Devise and write formal bulb architecture.
      2 people  - Feasibility study and and timetable of events.
      2 people  - Produce four utilities to reduce screw-in time.
      1 person  - Maintain ISO and DEC standards (sockets, voltage,
                  AC/DC).
      4 people  - Commonality task force on bulb change.
      15 people - Change bulb.
      5 people  - Perform bulb functionality test.
      2 people  - Perform bulb load test.
      3 people  - Perform bulb regression test.
      1 person  - Perform bulb performance analysis.
      1 person  - Perform bulb bottleneck analysis.
      1 person  - Follow-up study (bulb merge feasibility).
      1 person  - Interface with the Utilities Commission.
      1 person  - Interface with users. Did they want incandescent
                  when we only supply non-tunable fluorescent product?
      5 people  - Perform BOSE (Build Other Socket Enhancements)
                  compatibility/architecture study.
      3 people  - Ensure form (round/square, clear/frosted) follows
                  function (wattage/voltage, visible/ultraviolet/
                  /infrared, flashing, flood/spot).
      3 people  - Implement temporary alternative bulb socket for
                  already existing, succesful and profitable socket.
      5 people  - Determine how to market/package/distribute temporary
                  alternative bulb socket.
      10 people - Determine how to perform bulb change product split
                  (switches, controls, dimmers; versus implementation:
                  screw-in torque, recovery strategies).
      1 person  - Submit to BDC (Bulb Distribution Centre).
      1 person  - Set up BPR (Bulb Problem Report) system.
      10 people - Answer customers BPRs.
      11 people - Football team to challenge the bulb changers.



SOME USEFUL DEFINITIONS


BASIC     - The only high level language other than Pilot which can be
            mastered completely in less time than any program in it takes
            to execute.

BENCHMARK - A precise method of measuring a computer's ability to do
            things which nobody in their right minds would ever want
            it to do.

COMPILER  - A program written specifically to treat a higher level
            language program as data, reduce some of it to machine code,
            rearrange the rest into another higher level language such
            as Greek, display an alarming and incomprehensible message
            such as:
               Fatal Internal Stack Failure
            and then give up.

EMULATOR  - A program which works like another program by vitue
            of being exact copy.

EXPANSION - Any given program, or set of programs, or collection
            of data will expand to fit the available memory.

HARDWARE  - The equipment used to reveal software faults.

PASSWORD  - A system of computer security in which a secret number
            or codeword is assigned to each user on a system. These
            passwords are then written out and placed on each
            terminal in case a user forget theirs.

SOFTWARE  - The equipment used to reveal hardware faults.

---

Newsgroups: relcom.talk,relcom.humor
Path: softp!relay1!csoft!kiae!relcom!demos!dvv
From: dvv@hq.demos.su (Dima Volodin)
Subject: Re: How to determine which programming language you are using
References: <1993Mar11.034217.21412@stade.co.uk>
Date: Sun, 21 Mar 1993 00:19:46 GMT
Organization: DEMOS Coop., Moscow, Russia
Message-ID: <1993Mar21.001946.12191@hq.demos.su>
Lines: 152

׸  ,     ,     ...

In <1993Mar11.034217.21412@stade.co.uk> aw1@stade.co.uk (Adrian Wontroba) writes:

>I do not know who wrote this elderly document, and have not seen it
>posted here.  Some people find it amusing.  There appears to be a strong
>correlation between knowing (a bit about) a lot of languages and the
>perceived risibility factor.
>----------------------------------------------------------------------------

>How to Determine Which Programming Language You're Using
>--------------------------------------------------------

>The proliferation of modern programming languages which seem to have stolen
>countless features from each other sometimes makes it difficult to remember
>which language you're using.  This guide is offered as a public service to help
>programmers in such dilemmas.

>C:         You shoot yourself in the foot.

>Assembly:  You crash the OS and overwrite the root disk.  The system
>           administrator arrives and shoots you in the foot.  After a moment of
>           contemplation, the administrator shoots himself in the foot and then
>           hops around the room rabidly shooting at everyone in sight.

>APL:       You hear a gunshot, and there's a hole in your foot, but you don't
>           remember enough linear algebra to understand what the hell happened.

>C++:       You accidently create a dozen instances of yourself and shoot them
>           all in the foot.  Providing emergency medical care is impossible
>           since you can't tell which are bitwise copies and which are just
>           pointing at others and saying, "that's me, over there."

>Ada:       If you are dumb enough to actually use this language, the United
>           States Department of Defense will kidnap you, stand you up in front
>           of a firing squad, and tell the soldiers, "Shoot at his feet."

>Modula/2:  After realizing that you can't actually accomplish anything in the
>           language, you shoot yourself in the head.

>sh, csh:   You can't remember the syntax for anything, so you spend five hours
>           reading man pages before giving up.  You then shoot the computer and
>           switch to C.

>Smalltalk: You spend so much time playing with the graphics and windowing system
>           that your boss shoots you in the foot, takes away your
>           workstation, and makes you develop in COBOL on a character
>           terminal.

>FORTRAN:   You shoot yourself in each toe, iteratively, until you run out of
>           toes, then you read in the next foot and repeat.  If you run out of
>           bullets, you continue anyway because you have no exception-
>           processing ability.

>Algol:     You shoot yourself in the foot with a musket.  The musket is
>           esthetically fascinating, and the wound baffles the adolescent
>           medic in the emergency room.

>COBOL:     USEing a COLT45 HANDGUN, AIM gun at LEG.FOOT, THEN place
>           ARM.HAND.FINGER on HANDGUN.TRIGGER, and SQUEEZE. THEN return HANDGUN
>           to HOLSTER.  Check whether shoelace needs to be retied.

>BASIC:     Shoot self in foot with water pistol. On big systems, continue until
>           entire lower body is waterlogged.

>PL/I:      You consume all available system resources, including all the offline
>           bullets.  The Data Processing & Payroll Department doubles its size,
>           triples its budget, acquires four new mainframes, and drops the
>           original one on your foot.

>SNOBOL:    You grab your foot with your hand, then rewrite your hand to be a
>           bullet.  The act of shooting the original foot then changes your
>           hand/bullet into yet another foot (a left foot).

>lisp:      You shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which
>           you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which
>           you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which
>           you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds...

>scheme:    You shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which
>           you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which
>           you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which
>           you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds...
>                ...but none of the other appendages are aware of this happening.

>English:   You put your foot in your mouth, then bite it off.
>           (For those who don't know, English is a McDonnell Douglas/PICK query
>           language which allegedly requires 110% of system resources to run
>           happily.)

>INFORMIX:  The first gun doesn't work. Three months later INFORMIX's support
>           desk send another gun which doesn't match the version number of the>           bullets. INFORMIX suggest you upgrade to INFORMIX-ONLINE. You pull
>           the trigger and you shoe gets wet.

>ORACLE:    ORACLE sell you a gun, a box of bullets, a holster, a cardboard
>           mock-up of a wild-west town and a stetson. You find the trigger takes
>           twenty seven people to pull it. ORACLE provide 26 consultants all
>           with holsters, cardboard mock-ups and stetsons. The bullet doesn't
>           leave the gun-barrel and you hire four more ORACLE consultants to
>           optimise.  The bullet bounces off your sandals. You decide to buy
>           INGRES. Richard Donkin shoots you in the foot.

>INGRES:    You pull the trigger, and your identical twin in San Franciso gets
>           shot. You then turn off distributed query optimisation.

>SYBASE:    You carelessly invoke the procedure sp_insert_bullet() which fires a
>           trigger (neat, eh) on the table GUN. To maintain referential
>           integrity, the system invokes another trigger which inserts bullets>           in your other foot, your shins, your thighs, pelvis and so on up to>           the cranium. You are left in third normal form.

>OCCAM:     You send a message to your finger, which sends a message to the
>           trigger, which sends a message to the firing pin, which sends a
>           message to the primer, which sends a message to the firing charge,
>           which sends a message to the bullet which sends a very unpleasant
>           message to your foot.

>           The pipeline continues to run, a hail of bullets emerging from the
>           output channel and drilling their way via your foot to the centre of
>           the earth.  The high velocity arrival of such stupendous amounts of>           lead creates a density shock-wave which eventually collapses beyond>           its own event horizon.  The black hole thus formed goes on to absorb
>           earth, most of the minor planets and the Sun.

>           The problems of your foot become increasingly insignificant during
>           this process.

>           Hyper intelligent beings from the planet Zorg nod their several heads
>           wisely and confide to each other:
>                      `I always said Tony was a complete twat'

>FORTH:     First you decide to leave the number of toes lost on the stack and
>           then implement the "foot-toes@" word which takes 3 numbers from the>           stack: foot number, range and projectile mass (in slugs) and changes
>           the current vocabulary to 'blue'. While testing this word you get
>           arrested by the police for mooning (remember this is a bottom-up
>           language) who demonstrate the far better top-down approach to
>           damaging yourself.

>RTL:       You start to really shoot yourself in the foot, but 6 slugs is too
>           many for an array and blows the compiler to pieces. Eventually you
>           realise you must rebuild the compiler to allow such huge arrays. This
>           is so stupid and boring that you start shoot yourself, but just in
>           time you are interrupted by .....
>----------------------------------------------------------------------------

>coming next .... PUTRIDOS (tm)
>--
>Adrian Wontroba, Stade Computers Limited.       phone:  (+44) 21 373 9546
>uucp:   ...!uknet!stade!aw1             other: aw1%stade.co.uk@uknet.ac.uk
>snail:  14 Fourlands Avenue, Sutton Coldfield, West Midlands, B72 1YY, UK




Etc

FAIR USE NOTICE This site contains copyrighted material the use of which has not always been specifically authorized by the copyright owner. We are making such material available in our efforts to advance understanding of environmental, political, human rights, economic, democracy, scientific, and social justice issues, etc. We believe this constitutes a 'fair use' of any such copyrighted material as provided for in section 107 of the US Copyright Law. In accordance with Title 17 U.S.C. Section 107, the material on this site is distributed without profit exclusivly for research and educational purposes.   If you wish to use copyrighted material from this site for purposes of your own that go beyond 'fair use', you must obtain permission from the copyright owner. 

ABUSE: IPs or network segments from which we detect a stream of probes might be blocked for no less then 90 days. Multiple types of probes increase this period.  

Society

Groupthink : Two Party System as Polyarchy : Corruption of Regulators : Bureaucracies : Understanding Micromanagers and Control Freaks : Toxic Managers :   Harvard Mafia : Diplomatic Communication : Surviving a Bad Performance Review : Insufficient Retirement Funds as Immanent Problem of Neoliberal Regime : PseudoScience : Who Rules America : Neoliberalism  : The Iron Law of Oligarchy : Libertarian Philosophy

Quotes

War and Peace : Skeptical Finance : John Kenneth Galbraith :Talleyrand : Oscar Wilde : Otto Von Bismarck : Keynes : George Carlin : Skeptics : Propaganda  : SE quotes : Language Design and Programming Quotes : Random IT-related quotesSomerset Maugham : Marcus Aurelius : Kurt Vonnegut : Eric Hoffer : Winston Churchill : Napoleon Bonaparte : Ambrose BierceBernard Shaw : Mark Twain Quotes

Bulletin:

Vol 25, No.12 (December, 2013) Rational Fools vs. Efficient Crooks The efficient markets hypothesis : Political Skeptic Bulletin, 2013 : Unemployment Bulletin, 2010 :  Vol 23, No.10 (October, 2011) An observation about corporate security departments : Slightly Skeptical Euromaydan Chronicles, June 2014 : Greenspan legacy bulletin, 2008 : Vol 25, No.10 (October, 2013) Cryptolocker Trojan (Win32/Crilock.A) : Vol 25, No.08 (August, 2013) Cloud providers as intelligence collection hubs : Financial Humor Bulletin, 2010 : Inequality Bulletin, 2009 : Financial Humor Bulletin, 2008 : Copyleft Problems Bulletin, 2004 : Financial Humor Bulletin, 2011 : Energy Bulletin, 2010 : Malware Protection Bulletin, 2010 : Vol 26, No.1 (January, 2013) Object-Oriented Cult : Political Skeptic Bulletin, 2011 : Vol 23, No.11 (November, 2011) Softpanorama classification of sysadmin horror stories : Vol 25, No.05 (May, 2013) Corporate bullshit as a communication method  : Vol 25, No.06 (June, 2013) A Note on the Relationship of Brooks Law and Conway Law

History:

Fifty glorious years (1950-2000): the triumph of the US computer engineering : Donald Knuth : TAoCP and its Influence of Computer Science : Richard Stallman : Linus Torvalds  : Larry Wall  : John K. Ousterhout : CTSS : Multix OS Unix History : Unix shell history : VI editor : History of pipes concept : Solaris : MS DOSProgramming Languages History : PL/1 : Simula 67 : C : History of GCC developmentScripting Languages : Perl history   : OS History : Mail : DNS : SSH : CPU Instruction Sets : SPARC systems 1987-2006 : Norton Commander : Norton Utilities : Norton Ghost : Frontpage history : Malware Defense History : GNU Screen : OSS early history

Classic books:

The Peter Principle : Parkinson Law : 1984 : The Mythical Man-MonthHow to Solve It by George Polya : The Art of Computer Programming : The Elements of Programming Style : The Unix Haters Handbook : The Jargon file : The True Believer : Programming Pearls : The Good Soldier Svejk : The Power Elite

Most popular humor pages:

Manifest of the Softpanorama IT Slacker Society : Ten Commandments of the IT Slackers Society : Computer Humor Collection : BSD Logo Story : The Cuckoo's Egg : IT Slang : C++ Humor : ARE YOU A BBS ADDICT? : The Perl Purity Test : Object oriented programmers of all nations : Financial Humor : Financial Humor Bulletin, 2008 : Financial Humor Bulletin, 2010 : The Most Comprehensive Collection of Editor-related Humor : Programming Language Humor : Goldman Sachs related humor : Greenspan humor : C Humor : Scripting Humor : Real Programmers Humor : Web Humor : GPL-related Humor : OFM Humor : Politically Incorrect Humor : IDS Humor : "Linux Sucks" Humor : Russian Musical Humor : Best Russian Programmer Humor : Microsoft plans to buy Catholic Church : Richard Stallman Related Humor : Admin Humor : Perl-related Humor : Linus Torvalds Related humor : PseudoScience Related Humor : Networking Humor : Shell Humor : Financial Humor Bulletin, 2011 : Financial Humor Bulletin, 2012 : Financial Humor Bulletin, 2013 : Java Humor : Software Engineering Humor : Sun Solaris Related Humor : Education Humor : IBM Humor : Assembler-related Humor : VIM Humor : Computer Viruses Humor : Bright tomorrow is rescheduled to a day after tomorrow : Classic Computer Humor

The Last but not Least


Copyright 1996-2016 by Dr. Nikolai Bezroukov. www.softpanorama.org was created as a service to the UN Sustainable Development Networking Programme (SDNP) in the author free time. This document is an industrial compilation designed and created exclusively for educational use and is distributed under the Softpanorama Content License.

The site uses AdSense so you need to be aware of Google privacy policy. You you do not want to be tracked by Google please disable Javascript for this site. This site is perfectly usable without Javascript.

Original materials copyright belong to respective owners. Quotes are made for educational purposes only in compliance with the fair use doctrine.

FAIR USE NOTICE This site contains copyrighted material the use of which has not always been specifically authorized by the copyright owner. We are making such material available to advance understanding of computer science, IT technology, economic, scientific, and social issues. We believe this constitutes a 'fair use' of any such copyrighted material as provided by section 107 of the US Copyright Law according to which such material can be distributed without profit exclusively for research and educational purposes.

This is a Spartan WHYFF (We Help You For Free) site written by people for whom English is not a native language. Grammar and spelling errors should be expected. The site contain some broken links as it develops like a living tree...

You can use PayPal to make a contribution, supporting development of this site and speed up access. In case softpanorama.org is down you can use the at softpanorama.info

Disclaimer:

The statements, views and opinions presented on this web page are those of the author (or referenced source) and are not endorsed by, nor do they necessarily reflect, the opinions of the author present and former employers, SDNP or any other organization the author may be associated with. We do not warrant the correctness of the information provided or its fitness for any purpose.

Last modified: October 11, 2015